I AM A SEMI-LITERATE LITERARY POCKETBOOK CROOK

I am a semi-literate very, very literary litterbug, a rat pack who takes hiS loot to the sack and never gives it back. I get a very special feeling stealing things like secondhand, re-re-read pocketbooks which, as most crooks know, can most easily be pocketed when nobody's watching. And even if you're caught you're seldom prosecuted. There's no dispute you've got the loot hidden in your crotch, but what guy will stick his hand down there to recover what your lover will discover on the sheets between the covers?

Actually, I'm against shoplifting, especially when I'm gifting to Shirl, my favorite birthday girl. What if she already read it, takes it back and gets arrested when a requested counterfeit receipt slip reveals her indiscrete relationship with a well-known crook who took the book from the shelf all by himself?

I can see the headline now:

POCKETBOOK CROOK ADMITS HE TOOK BOOK;
GIRLFRIEND HELD AS ACCESSORY TO THE FAX