THE STORY OF JAKE THE APE

A monkey at the zoo named Lou knew something no other animal knew except for the ape named Jake who it had happened to. It was a secret kept by Jake who didn't want to make a big to-do and cause an issue at the zoo where he lived free quite comfortably.

But Lou disagreed and felt the world had need to know and so he escaped one day and hid in a computer school and as a student soon learned how to go on line and informed the internet that Jake the ape had learned to talk and read and write like people do.

When news got out about this educated ape the newspapers and the networks, too, Hollywood and Channel Two and every outlet on the net deluged the zoo with demands to shake Jake's hand and interview him so the world would know if it was true.

Officials at the zoo thought it was strange an ape could talk and a news conference could be arranged by the monkey named Lou. They met with Jake and asked if it was true, Jake replied: "It cannot be denied that it's true but, for goodness sake, why get so excited,,,"

The zoo boss at first was at a loss at what to say, then interrupted Jake, enthused by the news, to declare: "Not be excited? We're delighted. With all that publicity and notoriety we expect it will affect our zoo in terms of admissions, commissions, attention of politicians to supporting our missions and decisions and expectations of increased donations to the zoo."

Jake nodded his head. "And what's more, this will open the door to citizenship and voting rights for apes and monkeys too and all the animals in the zoo who can pass a test or two. In any event eventually we will elect a baboon president with a mate who can count to eight, appoint a secretary of state named Condawhatsa Kashanosha and an army private for attorney general."

Jake would have gone on and on with his demands, but the zoo crew held up their hands and warned, "You're darned cocky for a talky ape to make such demands. Just know your place and do your schtick or we'll ship you back to Africa real quick."

Which was a place Jake wanted to go back to. So he decided what he would do to these human mammals who tried to trammel on the rights of animals.

When the day came for his meeting with the press Jake looked the same as any ape in the zoo. When questions flew in his face, Jake faked stupidity and pulled his ear and scratched his rear and crotch and snatched a watch that was laying around, stuck it in his mouth and swallowed it down. Then he took a slurp of water and he burped. The normal sound did not abound. Instead it came out tick-tock-tick-tock. Jake reared back his head and roared, then lay down and snored. The media got bored and left without a word.

Know what? Jake went back to eating nuts and fruits and chicken wings and jelly beans and other things, learned how to play a piano, a guitar, a banjo and do the tango. He wrote poetry and was intellectually inclined but hid behind a stupid face and knew his place.

Jake the ape managed to escape fame and notoriety that usually came to men like he. Jake died at sixty-three in Africa just another member of the simian family.

A FOOTNOTE: Before Jake died he wrote a book about his youth and told the truth that really he could talk but maintained his silence to the end. Why? Take a look at his book. In fact. it's now out in paperback.