Wednesday, April 27, 2005


I was on a tour to the distant and obscure unblemished tropics and that is the topic of my report. This leg of my trip is only a hop and a skip away, a thousand miles or so they say. It will only take a night and day and we'll sail into the bay of Walla Walla Yankee Dolla, the most remote place on the face of Earth but is it worth traveling to?

Make note, this island's so remote, not a single boat has visited since explorers Nora Schnorer and her lover, Peter (Dangling Dick) Jones, who gained fame when he jumped out of a plane but his pants remained on board. His parachute and his jumper suit got stuck in a tree but DD hung on a limb and the monkeys took one look at him and what they saw made them hee-haw even though it was against the jungle law. But I digress. Let us return to our gripping trip.

I've heard it said and I've read you ain't seen nothing yet until you've made a call at this atoll, a tropical pair of dice which is another way of saying what I'm telling you is a bunch of crap.

Well, they got DD out of the tree with minimum damage to his you-know whats and I'm not referring to coconuts.

The first native we met was a talking gazelle who had a lot to tell and told it. But hold it! First we slaked our thirst with a venom shake made with water from a nearby lake where a snake was playing patty-cake with an ape whose name was Jerky Jake. It didn't take long until we were zonged out on the sand and soon things got out of hand as thousands of naked natives took us in tow to a boiling pot and you know what they planned to do.

"We ain't gonna boil you," said the gazelle. "But this much, I can tell. We'll cut off your ears for souvenirs and your nose for buttons for our clothes. We'll transplant your eyes into two batty bats who've been blind since they were born hanging from an ear of corn, a kernel stuck beneath each lid, and that's what did their seeing in.

"For our soup, we'll strip your skin from chin to shin and cheek to cheek and let it boil for a week. Then, Mr. Jones, we'll toss your bones and what's left in the pot. Now, what do you think of that?"

"You haven't mentioned our high cholesterol, saturated fat, the sugar level of our blood, and all the crud that fills our veins and clogs our brains from smoking cigarettes. That, plus drinking booze and listening to the evening news will make our bodies of no use for soups and stews so why not just let us go andresume our cruise?"

The gazelle and natives all agreed and thanked DD and did concede that our meat would not meet the standards of the FDA so it would be better if we took our shoddy bodies and went away. And leave we did and bid farewell to the gazelle and the naked natives and that's all we can tell.