Wednesday, July 06, 2005


Tarzan of the Apes is eighty-three, far past the age of jungle longevity. Because of aches and pains he can no longer swing with Jane. He needs new knees and every time he has a sneeze he has to dry his loincloth on nearby trees.

The King of the Jungle is known to bungle when he strays from the beaten path. He loses his way and has to call Triple A to guide him home. If it rains, Jane worries, did my fella take his umbrella?

Tarzan cannot scream his famous yell any more. Every time he tries his throat gets sore. He was once an acrobatic fanatic who lived in an attic in a tree so high his nose would bleed and he would need a Kleenex to stop the flow. His allergies make him sneeze and wheeze and Jane sends him to Walgreen's for remedies. Tarzan's cholesterol is out of sight from eating coconuts every night. He has his share of diseases rare and doesn't even qualify for Medicare.
Jane loves her man but since he can't do what she can and her sexual cravings must be met, she's getting all she can get and you bet, the best place to get it is right here. She's making out with two giraffes, a zebra and a kangaroo, a hippo and a rhino, too, not to mention a new gnu rejected by the London zoo.

When she's not in the sack with Jack the Yak she's making it with Jake the Snake, Then there's Myrtle the turtle and Lena the hyena who giggles but never laughs. She likes to prance with elephants who can't wear pants because it would take two sheets to make one pair and underwear even more and if they tore they're not for sale at the Walmart store.

Jane has her designs on an ape who makes monkeyshines and pines to get out of line with the human kind, male, female it doesn't matter but truth be told he prefers the latter unless she's fatter than elephant with an overflowing bladder.

While Jane's sex is not on the wain it's sad but true Tarzan's end is overdue, his days of jungle glory gone. But here comes Boy, Tarzan's son, his pride and joy, to carry on. Boy has a wife, a plump young chimp who eats bananas by the bunch for brunch and lunch because she has a hunch an impish chimp is on the way. Let's hope so. For when Boy is old and gray there'll be a halfbreed where Boy and his dad had long held sway.

And as he/she swings in the trees there will be fond memories of Tarzan's past. And maybe you'll share with me that famous cry Edgar Rice Buroughs created for all eternity.


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