Monday, January 29, 2007


Could a war be waged in which no one dies? Instead of bullets and bombs, armies would use high tech "weapons" to incapacitate or disorient enemy forces long enough for them to be captured. Victory would be declared by the side that disabled the most enemy troops in a given battle. Scorekeepers approved by both sides would total up the comatose "victims" of opposing armies.

Wars would be waged with 21st Century weapons that beam high frequency sounds that bounce off the enemy's eardrums. This would cause them to hallucinate and admit defeat.

Another weapon would spray the enemy with non-lethal gasses to put the sniffing soldiers to sleep long enough to certify them as snoozer losers. Stun guns could be used to paralyze the opposition long enough for victors to strip them of watches, wallets and other spoils of war.

After the wiped-out warriors recovered from their non-lethal wounds they would be coerced into revealing enemy secrets. The enemy would be locked into torture chambers and compelled to listen to rap music 24 hours a day until they cracked. If that didn't work, they would be fed Boston baked beans until they exploded and begged for a double ration of Alka Seltzer.

The woundless war could backfire (pardon the expression) if both sides used the same disabling weapons at the same time. Soldiers on both sides would fall all over each other. Even the scorekeepers would be affected.

By the end of the battle, there would be nobody left standing to count or separate the winners from the losers. They'd all probably be sound asleep dreaming of the good old days when war was war and a man wasn't a man unless he was assured his democratic right to kill or be killed.


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