DAMN THE DIETS!

If there were no things like sugar plums and assorted yum, yum yums, salad bars and candy bars, ice cream cones and chicken bones, pizza pies and crisp French fries, egg yolks and non-diet cokes, burgers on the backyard grille and foods too high in cholesterol like pasta, sweets and pastry treats, pickles to make your tummy ache, porkchops sopped in globs of gravy, (don't trim the fat, that's what makes it so delicious if not more nutritious) how would physicians make high commissions telling fatties what and what not to eat?

I heap praise on brave gourmets who rave about foods food lovers craveso spare me diets if you please. I am hooked on calories. When I'm in an eating mood, don't give me low cal, low fat foods. I want to salivate in my plate. Let no taste go to waste.

I know it may seem absurd, but I check my watch for early birds. I know it's bad for me to eat deserts until it hurts, that I'll have to pay eventually for my excess, for my compulsion to ingest the foods that make me pop the buttons off my vest. But my molars will not let me rest so I chew the whole day through drooling like the fool I am.

Will somebody please pass the peanut butter and strawberry jam? Another slab of ham. A leg of lamb. A candied yam. And a couple Tums. Yum! Yum! Yum! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Chew! Chew! Chew! What's that? Dinners through? I'll be back. What you got for a late night snack?

Damn the diets! Full FEED ahead!