HOW JAKE THE SNAKE MET HIS DOOM
All the same, his reptilian millions were safely invested, earning the best interest in the history of the National Piggy Bank of Yippity Yank.
Jake's birth certificate shows he was born in a litter of fifty squirmers to Mr. and Mrs. Wiggle Wormer. All the offspring were of normal worm form except for Jake who was twelve inches long and fat as a cat that lived on a diet of chicken fat.
As Squirm the Worm (AKA Jake the Snake) grew and grew he ate and ate to sate his growing appetite and took a bite of everything in sight. He didn't lack a late night snack. He nibbled the hide of his backside and found it tough but juicy enough to quench his thirst the first time he slurped it. He burped it up, a cup at a time, from his behind. He found a trash can full of smashed beer cans and decided cans can be just the thing to put zing into his mood for food and drink. And just for kicks he licked his lips and also ate a kitchen sink
What eventually sealed Jake's fate was his appetite for dynamite. The minuet he bit he knew it was a fatal mistake, but it was too late. He closed his eyes and waited. Time passed. No blast. The dynamite spent the night inside Jake in a slimy stream of scum with a bum drinking rum he stole from a chum in a slum in Kingdom Come. Meanwhile, all sorts of rancid meat and fish and flush and swish and fecal matter amassed in Jake's belly along with undigested peanut butter and strawberry jelly.
Doubting Jake died of indigestion, police made an investigation of his regurgitation. They found the remains ot Jake's brains, a neighbor's swinging iron gate, a Model T Ford still running great, a plow, a sow, the head, feet and teats of an unmilked cow, a teenager talking on the telephone licking on an icecream cone, George Bush, all alone, choking on a chicken bone.
The last blast came to the town at last when the ground, soaked with the residue of Jake's eating spree, was triggered by a sexy pair having a love affair, plop on top of the dynamite. They got so hot they lit the fuse and as they banged away Jake's hometown met its doom in a GREAT BIG BOOM!