Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Dogs and cats, kangaroos and gnus, rhinoceroses and hippopotamuses, monkeys and donkeys and dozens of furry creature cousins who walk on all fours and communicate in barks or roars. Meows or varied bird song melodies and wear their winter coat whether the weather’s cold or hot they’re not considered as smart as we.

They can’t convey what they have to say in human language, hunt their meat and eat it raw without sandwiches on rye or pumpernickel with a pickle on the side.

If they became the same as us they’d drink booze while watching the morning news on Fox, check stocks on other channels, but would they still be identified and classified as “dumb animals?”

They walk on paws and scratch their head with claws because they have no fingernails to prove they’re stupid.

All fur bearing caring felines lick their young with loving tongues. Dogs bark commands and pups obey. They’re trained to prevent events of criminal intent by vagrants bent on burglary of private property. A bark in the dark in time might prevent a crime or so says this rhyme.

All animals have unique ways to display common sense and intelligence. Are they imbued with talents that compensate their inability to enunciate or communicate in human vocabulary?

If each species known had a language of its own---perhaps they do---would we be more like them or they like we? We no longer eat meat, pork or veal, fish or foul or the fat old owl if all their words contained a vowel? If all yammered in perfect grammar and stammered, stuttered or muttered alike and, to some extent, had a similar southern you all droll, how could you take a bite of steak or lamb chop of someone you met in a butcher shop? They might be a cousin twice removed or an uncle grandma disapproved.

Although the four-foot families came from different populations and some from foreign nations and pronunciations varied and some meats and fowl intermarried. If one spoke Ham and a mix breed Spam, the New Yorkers were at ease communicating in a blend of Japanese, Chinese and Brooklynese would we know what they were talking about?

When the ethnic mixes met they talked so loud you couldn’t spell the words you heard them use or abuse. I wish they all spoke English, If they did, but hid it now and then as a hen and spoke foul Fowl and a duck made a nasty crack in Quack, would we lack the knack to answer back? If all agreed they’d never eat their kin vegetables would be in and dominate their diet. We meat lovers would try it and we’d all become more fit.

But meat eaters eat meat and fish gulp whatever fish they wish and fowl ask the wise old owl what’s for din and he asks who?

This fantasy is calorie free so let it be.


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