Friday, June 24, 2011


One morning I awoke at half past three which I did occasionally. Nature called me, as they say. Bleary eyed, I did what I had to do, then crept back to bed to resume my sleep as I always did before. But not even a hint of snore, not the relaxation that precedes deep sleep, not the heaven blessed rest that is prelude to quietude. I shut my eyes. To my surprise, I could not sleep.

I had read that if I counted sheep in my head by and by shuteye would come. I'd give it a try. I started out---one, two, three, four until I'd totaled enough sheep to fill a mutton store. You'd think shuteye would welcome me. That was not to be.

I tried counting other things. Telephone rings, swinging swings, romantic flings, ding-dong-dings, My imagination only led to more frustration. Then I asked the inner me, why not imagine a symphony to serenade me and land me in slumber-land? That didn't bring the sleep I sought but, oh, the sounds it wrought! I thought I was at Carnegie Hall. I was so enthralled by what I heard I forgot to do what I needed to. I held my breath at each pause and joined in the applause.

I thought I was wide awake, but when the conductor came out to take a bow my clapping startled me out of my hypnotic spell. I opened my eyes and to my surprise I was not front row center at Carnegie Hall, I was sitting on my toilet seat keeping time to the beat of the orchestration with my squeezing, displeasing flatulent sounds of constipation.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Heaven Stop Here

Once upon a time a hundred thousand life times ago I died and on my way to Heaven I saw a road sign saying Stop Here!

Some jokester had crossed out the word HELL, made it say HEAVEN.
So everybody looking for HEAVEN jumped straight into the boiling pot knocking me aside, eager to be the next to sizzle to death to satisfy the inferno’s hunger for dried up old ladies.

I knew I’d never get to Heaven doing what I asked to do. Suddenly I found an answer. But it didn’t work and I gave up and went fishing.