Thursday, December 04, 2014


Once upon a time in the little town of Bethlehem there lived a little boy and his name was Jesus. Now, as a toddler, Jesus used to run and play with the other little boys and girls and nobody every asked him his last name. It was not until his first day in kindergarten that he realized he was supposed to have a last name.
The teacher clapped her hands for attention and said: "Boys and girls, we're going to play a game called 'What's my name.' I want each one of you to stand up and tell us your full name".
One by one the kids did so. There was Sally Jones and Tommy Smith and Willie Brown and Harry Finkelstein and so on. Then it was Jesus' turn.
"My name is Jesus", he said.
There is a long silence as the teacher could stand the suspense no longer.
"That's a very nice name" she said patiently. "Now, Jesus, tell us, what's your last name?"
"My last name?" Jesus asked confused.
"Yes, you know...your father is Mister...? The question trailed off into silence as the teacher waited for his reply.
"Father?" Jesus asked, hanging his head. "I don't have a father. Just a mommie named Mary."
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the teacher sympatheticically . "But you did have a father once, didn't you? And a father's last name becomes the mothers last name and your last name, too. Who was your father"?
"Gee teacher" Jesus said, "I don't know".
"Well when you get home today ask your mother. Then tomorrow, you can tell us your last name".
When Jesus got home from school he told his mother what had happened.
"So she wants to know your last name and who your father was," scoffed Mary.
"Well you tell that nosey teacher it's none of her god damned business. I don't even know who your father was. It could have been Joseph, or Tom, Dick or Harry. And none of these guys ever told me their last names".
"But what am I going to do mommy?" Jesus asked, tears welling in his little blue eyes.  "All the kids in school have last names. If I tell them I don't have one, they'll make fun of me".
Mary put little Jesus on her lap. She had long feared this moment. She had hoped she would never have to tell her son that he was a little bastard.
"You see sonny," she began, "it was like this. When I found out I was going to have a baby, the doctor asked me who the father was.
I was a stupid kid and I didn't even know how babies were made. So I said it was an act of god".
"well, the doctor said something about how it wouldn't be fair to let you be born without a father so they cooked up some cock and bull story about me having immaculate conception."
"Im-ack-u-late consheptson?" Little Jesus asked, not understanding these strange words.
"Yes that means I am a very clean girl and I have no conception of what you had to do to make a baby. So, because I am innocent, they figured they'd give me a break and the doctor wrote down on my medical record that it was an act of God and that you were the son of god."
Jesus felt better. At least now he knew he had had a father. "But then", he asked, "what is god's last name? Because, like the teacher said, my father's last name is the same as my last name."
Mary became irritated. Why did she have such a inquisitive young brat? She shoved Jesus off of her lap as she muttered, "Christ, I don't know."
The next day Jesus went to school a happy little boy. When the teacher asked him to tell the class his last name, he got up proudly and said:" My name is Jesus Christidontknow."
And that's the story of how Jesus got his name.